We decided that we didn’t want to find out the gender of our baby, and referred to George as ‘Peanut’ through my pregnancy. On the morning I was due to be induced, separately we wrote on paper, the gender, weight and day/time we thought our baby would be born and left them scrunched up in the fruit bowl for our return.
One of the most frequently asked questions when you’re pregnant is, “Are you having a girl or a boy?” We’ve all seen the gender reveal parties and for some, it’s a major moment finding out and helps cements the bond between Mum and baby. It also makes it a lot easier and more exciting to go clothe shopping and spend hours scrolling through Pinterest for nursery ideas.
However for me, I was actually nervous about having a girl. Based purely on my own experiences with my Mum, I wasn’t keen for history to repeat itself and emotionally, I didn’t feel mature enough or ready for a daughter. At night, I would question my ability to parent a daughter, who might grow up to be like me. How could I change the wrongs that I feel, my Mother got wrong? This one the driving thought behind my desire to keep the gender a surprise.
The way I saw it, I had 9 months to mentally prepare for any eventuality. Of course, I would have been thrilled if destiny would have presented me with a daughter. Once I’d come to turns with it, I focused solely on remaining healthy throughout my pregnancy and remained optimistic. While praying deep down, that I was carrying a boy.
As I led on the operating table and heard my babies first cry I burst into tears and it was only in the moment, that I knew my concerns were not valid. I loved that baby no matter what gender, colour, size or shape because it was mine and I would never be alone again. The midwife revealed that the baby was a boy and it was a moment that will remain etched into my memory until the day I die.
My son is my world and I love having him by my side.
He has a very playful nature and we laugh a lot. I was a very independent toddler but George seems to want to interact with you, he seeks out people to engage with and despite a few meltdowns here and there, for the most part is fun to be around.
I relish the feeling that I’ll never be myself every again in life. I’ll never experience the loneliness I did when my Gran passed away. That hopelessness at every failed relationship. The pain of rejection. For now, I have my son and he needs me.
I need him too.
We walk hand in hand around the park, he blows me kisses and forces me to face up to my past, accept my faults and strive to be better. Stronger.
If I decide to have more children and God blesses me with a baby girl, I’ll be okay with that. In fact, now that I have my boy, I’d really like a girl. I’ve grown in confidence with George, I believe that I am a good Mum. I’ve proven to myself, that you can walk away from the demons of your past and be the person you want to be. I’m currently living my best life with my best buddy, my Son.
Every day I wake up grateful to have a healthy child.
At the end of the day that’s what we all want as parents, a healthy, happy child. So maybe at some point we will expand our family and karma will come around and I will have to face a mini-me…wish me luck!